Dear Mom and Dad,
I have come to the conclusion that, despite my best attempts to communicate informally and verbally, your performance has not improved to my satisfaction. Therefore, I am presenting you with this letter of evaluation in the hope that you will bring your efforts up to my expectations.
My desires are fairly straightforward. The primary area of concern is that of position – I prefer to be held. In your arms. ALL of the time. This “putting the baby down in order to get something done” – like preparing a meal for the rest of the family – just doesn’t cut it.
In particular, I wish to discourage your use of that infernal contraption known as the “carseat”. It seems to me that whenever it is put into use, I am removed from your physical presence for a minimum of a quarter hour at the least. First in, last out seems to be the order of the day; I am buckled in while still in the house (!) and removed only when we have reached our destination and debarked. I have made my best efforts to make my displeasure clear during every journey, but all I am rewarded with are choruses of “Hush” and, occasionally, “The Wheels On The Car Go Round And Round”, which, as you’ve noticed, does nothing to improve the situation.
I believe the obvious conclusion is this: Don’t Go Anywhere. Stay home, snuggle me close, and never put me down. This would be the best way to ensure my complete happiness, which of course is what we both desire.
This state of affairs should only be temporary. I figure I’ll only need this kind of treatment for only the next, oh, fifteen years.
P.S. I also object to diaper changes, but given the result of dryness and comfort at their conclusion, I will let them slide for now.
I encourage you to increase your speed, however – the ideal diaper change should be completed swiftly for minimal distress. An acceptable completion time would be under five seconds.